doa buat ibu..

kalau aku di tempat dia, pasti aku akan merasa sedih.. dia tidak mengerti apa-apa.. anak kecil yang hanya tahu ingin merasa bahagia.. menumpang kasih di tempat orang lain.. tanpa memahami apa-apa pun.. jika aku di tempat dia, pada umur yang sama, pasti aku juga akan seperti dia.. tidak mengerti apa-apa :'( tapi, aku yang kini sudah dewasa, memahami segalanya hanya mampu melihat.. tanpa mengetahui apa yang ada di lubuk hatinya.. aku mewakili si dia, menulis luahan hati ini.. yang aku rasa, suatu hari nanti dia akan buat dan luahkan apa yang terpendam di hatinya seperti mana aku sekarang..

IBU.. lahirnya aku ke dunia, atas pengorbananmu..  pengorbananmu dalam bertarung nyawa demi melahirkan anak seperti aku. walaupun aku hidup 9 bulan 9 hari dalam kandunganmu, dalam rahimmu, tapi aku tidak mmpu merasa kasih sayangmu sepanjang aku membesar.. aku hidup dalam keluarga yang berbeza.. bukan keluargaku yang sebenar.. meskipun begitu, aku bersyukur kerana sepanjang berada dalam kandunganmu, aku dapat merasakan betapa kau menyayangiku.. kau menjagaku sehingga aku sihat dilahirkan tanpa sebarang implikasi mahupun penyakit.. wajah gembira kau menyambut kelahiranku mungkin ku tak pernah ingat tapi aku seperti dapat merasakannya.. aku bersyukur ibu.. ibu, aku tak mampu untuk membalas segala jasamu.. aku tak mampu untuk mengenal kau dengan lebih dekat.. aku tak mampu ibu.. kerna aku tak mengerti apa-apa waktu itu.. aku tahu tapi aku tak mengerti.. aku cuma mengiyakan kata-kata disekelilingku tanpa memahami sebutir pun bicara mereka.. 10 tahun ibu.. 10 tahun aku hidup di bumi tapi aku tak bisa merasa kasih sayang ibu yang melahirkanku.. aku bersyukur kerana ibuku yang kini menjagaku dengan penuh kasih sayang.. segala nakal ku di layan dengan sabar.. melayanku seperti anak sendiri.. saat ku dengar berita pemergianmu, aku kelu ibu.. kelu tak bersuara.. hilang segala petah bicaraku.. memahamikah aku maksud pemergianmu ibu? permergianmu bukan untuk sementara.. tapi untuk selama-lamanya.. kau pergi meninggalkan aku yang masih belum mengenal kau dengan lebih mendalam.. aku minta maaf ibu.. hanya maaf yang mampu aku titipkan.. malam itu, sekalung doa ku titipkan dan ku aminkan buat ibu yang pernah melahirkanku.. buat ibu.. ibu dalam erti kata sebenar :'( suatu hari, aku pasti akan memahami ibu..

p/s : - ini luahan hati yang mungkin akan dilakukan oleh dia satu hari nanti.. siapa dia yang aku maksudkan? cuma Allah yang Maha Mengetahui.. semoga Allah mencucuri roh ibunya.. :'(

EXAM OH EXAM ..

EXAM OH EXAM ! -.- no idea about this exam :( nak nangis pun ada.. ape boleh buat kan? just tawakal and doa jela.. usaha dah, smua dah.. itu je yg aku mampu buat.. ape-2 keputusannya nantu, aku harap parents aku redha and xkn marah aku.. hihi.. 
start 21 MEI 2013, habis 22 MEI 2013.. hah? 2 hari je aku exam? yup, 2HARI je.. sekejap je kn? punya la lama aku study.. exam stakat 2 hari je.. 21 mei tu exam Pengajian Am and Kesusasteraan Melayu.. sumpah aku xtau nak comment ape.. aku jawab jela ikut ape yg aku dh belajar.. semoga dipermudahkan oleh Allah SWT .. keesokkan harinya pulak exam Bahasa Melayu dan petangnya exam Pengajian Perniagaan.. pergghhhhhhhhhhhh ! memang tip top la soalan untuk sem 2 ni.. aku punya la blur masa jawab exam tu.. 

pening macam ni la aku.. hahaha

so.. kesimpulannya.. kalau nak berjaya tu, kena la berusaha.. actually ayat ni lebih kepada untuk aku sendiri.. hahaha.. yela, aku ni kan pemalas sikit.. tak tahu la macam mana nak buang perangai malas aku nim.. haha...

haaaa, mana 1 jalan yg korang nk pilih? kejayaan atau kegagalan? semuanya terletak di tangan anda sendiri.. :)

saya budak PPUA3 :D

JAGALAH HATIKU UNTUK SEKETIKA..

setiap yang tersurat ada yang tersirat... fahamilah luahan isi hatiku yang ku ungkapkan dalam sebuah sajak..

jagalah hatiku untuk seketika tidak lama hanya sekejap cuma fahami isi segala rasa yang terbuku di dalam dada segala rasa sayang dan cinta yang kian membara hadirnya tanda diduga mahupun dipaksa
jagalah hatiku untuk seketika sebelum tiba masa aku tidur selamanya meninggalkan alam fana yang indah di tatap mata lebih indah jika bersama insan yang dicinta
jagalah hatiku untuk seketika hentikan segala lakonan manja aktifkan kasih sayang di jiwa berikan yang terbaik untuk aku rasa sebelum aku menutup mata buat selama-lamanya
jagalah hatiku untuk seketika pinta ku satu tiada dua jagalah hatiku untuk seketika sungguh aku sudah cukup tersiksa dengan segala dugaan yang ada aku juga ingin bahagia bersama dia yang aku cinta aku cinta dia dan hanya dia Tuhan tolong aku memilikinya cukupla hanya untuk sementara aku rela menunggu lama asalkan aku boleh bahagia

JAGALAH HATIKU UNTUK SEKETIKA :'(

aku bukan boneka..
aku punya sejuta rasa
ingin mencinta dan dicinta
aku juga berhak bahagia
Tuhan, jagakan dia :'(

maafkan aku, kawan

aku punya teman. teman, kawan, sahabat. ya, aku ada semua. tapi, makin hari, aku makin hilang kawan. ke mana semua menghilang? kenapa semua ni harus terjadi? kenapa? sumpah, aku sayang kawan aku sangat-2. aku tak berniat pun nak gaduh-2 ni. bukan aku taknak dgr nasihat korg tapi aku.. arghhhhhh, kenapa susah sgt korg nak faham apa yg aku rasa? kenapa? 
entry kali ni aku tujukan khas buat sahabat aku. BFF aku. aku kenal dia since form 1 lagi. sumpah demi ALLAH, aku sayangkan hubungan persahabatan kami. banyak benda aku share dengan dia. dialah sahabat, dialah teman bagi aku. tahun lepas dia ketua kelas, aku penolong ketua kelas. tahun ni pun sama. hihihi.. ada chemistry kan? hahaha. kadang-2 tu, pernah gak gaduh sebab kecik hati. tu pun tak lama. alaaaa, merajuk kejap je.. hihihi..
TAPI..
baru-baru ni kami gaduh. gaduh besar sangat. kawan, bukan aku taknak dengar nasihat kau tapi aku nak cari kebahagian aku sendiri dengan cara aku sendiri. mmg kau tak salah nak menasihati aku. aku hargai segala kata-kata nasihat kau. tapi aku degil. kau pun kenal aku macam mana kan? aku tak pernah mintak semua ni jadi. aku tak pernah percaturkan persahabatan kita seperti yg kau cakap tu. tak pernah.. sumpah tak pernah. andai kau berada kat tempat aku, mungkin kau akan faham apa yg aku rasa. 
sekarang, dah tak ramai yang nak kawan ngn aku gara-2 peristiwa tu. tapi kenapa perlu aku? aku SALAH ke? tapi kenapa perlu aku? kenapa? :'( sungguh aku tak faham akan takdir aku sekarang ni. apa harus aku lakukan? 
satu je yg aku nak cakap, aku mintak maaf dari hujung rambut sampai hujung kaki..
aku tak pernah dan tak akan benci kau even kau dah benci and tak suka kat aku.. aku sedar siapa aku di mata kau..

Kau ada dikala ku suka

Dikala ku duka

setiap tangisan dan juga ketawa

Kau ada dikala ku perlu

setia menemaniku

Pegang erat tanganku bila aku jatuh

Kau lah yang selalu

Selalu menemaniku

Mendengar kisah pahit manis

Hidup ku

Kau lah yang di situ

Setia menunggu ku

Kau lah yang satu

Menjadi sahabatku

Ku tahu ku kan selalu ada

Pada dirimu

Dan ku harap kau juga rasa begitu

Kau lah yang selalu

Selalu menemaniku

Mendengar kisah pahit manis

Hidup ku

Kau lah yang di situ

Setia menunggu ku

Kau lah yang satu

Menjadi sahabatku

Kau lah yang selalu

Selalu menemaniku

Mendengar kisah pahit manis

Hidup ku

Kau lah yang di situ

Setia menunggu ku

Kau lah yang satu

Menjadi sahabatku

Sahabatku.

WITH JOSPHERMEN

dialah yg aku maksudkan.. sweet kan kami? itu dulu.. sekarang dah takde macam tu lagi :'/

KAWAN

A Sad Love Story

I have a boyfriend who grew up with me. His name is Jin. I always thought of him as a friend

until last year, when we went to a trip from a club. I found that I fell in love with him. Before that

trip was over, I took a step and confessed my love for him. And soon, we became a pair of

lovers, but we loved each other in different ways. I always concentrated on him only, but by

his side, there were so many other girls. To me, he was the only one, but to him, maybe I was just another girl…

“Jin, do you want to go watch a movie?” I asked.

“I can’t”

“Why? You need to study at home?” I felt disappointment grabbing me.

“No… I am going to meet a friend…

He was always like that. He met girls in front of me, like it was nothing. To him, I was just a girlfriend. The word ‘love’ only came out from my mouth. Since I knew him, I had never heard him say ‘I love you’ before. To us, there weren’t any anniversaries at all. He didn’t say anything from the first day and it continued till 100 days…200days… Everyday, before we say goodbye, he would just hand me a doll, everyday, without fail. I don’t know why…

Then one day…

Me: Um, Jin, I …

Jin: What…don’t drag, just say..

Me: I love you.

Jin: ……you….um, just take this doll and go home.

That was how he ignored my ‘three words’ and handed me the doll. Then he disappeared, like he was running away. The dolls I received from him everyday, filled my room, one by one. There were many…

Then one day came, my 15th year old birthday. When I got up in the morning, I pictured a party with him, and stranded myself in my room, waiting for his call. But… lunch passed, dinner passed… and soon the sky was dark… he still didn’t call. It was already tiring to look at the phone anymore. Then around 2am in the morning, he suddenly called me and woke me from my sleep. He told me to come out of the house. Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.

Me: Jin…

Jin: Here…take this…

Again, he handed me a little doll.

Me: What’s this?

Jin: I didn’t give it to you yesterday, so I am giving it to you now. I’m going home now, bye.

Me: Wait, wait! Do you know what today is?

Jin: Today? Huh?

I felt so sad, I thought he would remember my birthday. He turned around and walked away like nothing had happen. Then I shouted… “Wait…”

Jin: You have something to say?

Me: Tell me, tell me you love me…

Jin: What?!

Me: Tell me

I put my pathetic self behind and clung on to him. But he just said simple cold words and left.

“I don’t want to say…that I love someone so easily, if you are desperate to hear it, then find someone else.” 

That was what he said. Then he ran off. My legs felt numb… and I collapsed to the ground. He didn’t want to say it easily… How could he…. I felt that… Maybe he is not the right guy for me…

After that day, I stranded myself at home crying, just crying. He didn’t call me, although I was waiting. He just continued handing me a little doll every morning outside my house. That’s how those dolls piled up in my room… everyday

After a month, I got myself together and went to school. But what made the pain resurface was that… I saw him on a street… with another girl… He had a smile on his face, one that he never showed me…as he touched the doll… I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my room, and tears fell… Why did he gave these to me… Those dolls are probably picked out by some other girls…In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around. Then suddenly, the phone rang. It was him. He told me to come out to the bus stop outside my house. I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop. I kept reminding myself that I am going to forget him, that… it’s going to end. Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll.

Jin: Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really came?

I couldn’t help hating him, acting like nothing had happen and joking around. Soon, he held out the doll as usual…

Me: I don’t need it. Jin: What….why…

I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.

Me: I don’t need this doll, I don’t need it anymore!! I don’t want to see a person like you again!

I spitted out all the words that were inside me. But unlike other days, his eyes very shaking.

“I’m sorry” He apologized in a tiny voice. He then walked over to the road to pick up the doll…

Me: You stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?! Just throw it away!!!

But he ignored me and just went to pick the doll. Then…

Honk~ Honk~

With a loud honk, a big truck was heading towards him.

“Jin! Move! Move away!” I shouted… But he didn’t hear me, he squatted down and picked up the doll.

“Jin, move!” HONK~!! “Boom!” That sound, so terrifying.

That’s how he went away from me. That’s how he went away without even opening his eyes to say one word to me.

After that day, I had to go through everyday with guiltiness and the sadness of losing him… And after spending two months like a crazy person… I took out the dolls.

Those were the only gifts he left me since the day we started going out. I remembered the days I spent with him and started to count the days… when we were in love…

“One…two… three…” That was how… I started to count the dolls…

“Four hundred and eighty four… four hundred and eighty five…” It all ended with 485 dolls.

I then started to cry again, with a doll in my arms. I hugged it tightly, then suddenly…

“I love you~, I love you~” I dropped the dolls, shocked

“I….lo..ve…you??” I picked up the dolls and pressed its stomach.

“I love you~ I love you~” It can’t be! I pressed all the dolls’ stomach as it piled on the side.

“I love you~”

“I love you~”

“I love you~”

Those words came out non-stop. I…love you… Why didn’t I realize that….That his heart was always by my side, protecting me. Why didn’t I realize that he love me this much… I took out the doll under the bed and pressed it’s stomach, that was the last doll, the one that fell on the road. It had his blood stain on it. The voice came out, the on that I was missing so much.

“Jo…Do you know what today is? We’ve been loving each other for 486 days. Do you know what 486 is? I couldn’t say I love you…. Um… since I was too shy… If you forgive me and take this doll, I will say that I love you… everyday… till I die… Jo… I love you…”

The tears came flowing out of me. Why? Why? I asked god, why do I only know about all this now? He can’t be by my side, but he loved me until his last minute…

For that… and for that reason… to me… it became courage… to live a beautiful life ..

i love you

credit to : http://bestrealstories.blogspot.com