I have a boyfriend who grew up with me. His name is Jin. I
always thought of him as a friend
until last year, when we went to a trip from a club. I found
that I fell in love with him. Before that
trip was over, I took a step and confessed my love for him. And
soon, we became a pair of
lovers, but we loved each other in different ways. I always
concentrated on him only, but by
his side, there were so many other girls. To me, he was the
only one, but to him, maybe I was just another girl…
“Jin, do you want to go watch a movie?” I asked.
“I can’t”
“Why? You need to study at home?” I felt disappointment
grabbing me.
“No… I am going to meet a friend…
He was always like that. He met girls in front of me, like
it was nothing. To him, I was just a girlfriend. The word ‘love’ only came out
from my mouth. Since I knew him, I had never heard him say ‘I love you’ before.
To us, there weren’t any anniversaries at all. He didn’t say anything from the
first day and it continued till 100 days…200days… Everyday, before we say
goodbye, he would just hand me a doll, everyday, without fail. I don’t know
why…
Then one day…
Me: Um, Jin, I …
Jin: What…don’t drag, just say..
Me: I love you.
Jin: ……you….um, just take this doll and go home.
That was how he ignored my ‘three words’ and handed me the
doll. Then he disappeared, like he was running away. The dolls I received from
him everyday, filled my room, one by one. There were many…
Then one day came, my 15th year old birthday. When I got up
in the morning, I pictured a party with him, and stranded myself in my room,
waiting for his call. But… lunch passed, dinner passed… and soon the sky was
dark… he still didn’t call. It was already tiring to look at the phone anymore.
Then around 2am in the morning, he suddenly called me and woke me from my
sleep. He told me to come out of the house. Still, I felt joy and I ran out
happily.
Me: Jin…
Jin: Here…take this…
Again, he handed me a little doll.
Me: What’s this?
Jin: I didn’t give it to you yesterday, so I am giving it to
you now. I’m going home now, bye.
Me: Wait, wait! Do you know what today is?
Jin: Today? Huh?
I felt so sad, I thought he would remember my birthday. He
turned around and walked away like nothing had happen. Then I shouted… “Wait…”
Jin: You have something to say?
Me: Tell me, tell me you love me…
Jin: What?!
Me: Tell me
I put my pathetic self behind and clung on to him. But he
just said simple cold words and left.
“I don’t want to say…that I love someone so easily, if you
are desperate to hear it, then find someone else.”
That was what he said. Then he ran off. My legs felt numb…
and I collapsed to the ground. He didn’t want to say it easily… How could he….
I felt that… Maybe he is not the right guy for me…
After that day, I stranded myself at home crying, just
crying. He didn’t call me, although I was waiting. He just continued handing me
a little doll every morning outside my house. That’s how those dolls piled up
in my room… everyday
After a month, I got myself together and went to school. But
what made the pain resurface was that… I saw him on a street… with another
girl… He had a smile on his face, one that he never showed me…as he touched the
doll… I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my room, and tears
fell… Why did he gave these to me… Those dolls are probably picked out by some
other girls…In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around. Then suddenly, the
phone rang. It was him. He told me to come out to the bus stop outside my
house. I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop. I kept reminding
myself that I am going to forget him, that… it’s going to end. Then he came
into my sight, holding a big doll.
Jin: Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really came?
I couldn’t help hating him, acting like nothing had happen
and joking around. Soon, he held out the doll as usual…
Me: I don’t need it. Jin: What….why…
I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.
Me: I don’t need this doll, I don’t need it anymore!! I
don’t want to see a person like you again!
I spitted out all the words that were inside me. But unlike
other days, his eyes very shaking.
“I’m sorry” He apologized in a tiny voice. He then walked
over to the road to pick up the doll…
Me: You stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?! Just throw
it away!!!
But he ignored me and just went to pick the doll. Then…
Honk~ Honk~
With a loud honk, a big truck was heading towards him.
“Jin! Move! Move away!” I shouted… But he didn’t hear me, he
squatted down and picked up the doll.
“Jin, move!” HONK~!! “Boom!” That sound, so terrifying.
That’s how he went away from me. That’s how he went away
without even opening his eyes to say one word to me.
After that day, I had to go through everyday with guiltiness
and the sadness of losing him… And after spending two months like a crazy
person… I took out the dolls.
Those were the only gifts he left me since the day we
started going out. I remembered the days I spent with him and started to count
the days… when we were in love…
“One…two… three…” That was how… I started to count the
dolls…
“Four hundred and eighty four… four hundred and eighty
five…” It all ended with 485 dolls.
I then started to cry again, with a doll in my arms. I
hugged it tightly, then suddenly…
“I love you~, I love you~” I dropped the dolls, shocked
“I….lo..ve…you??” I picked up the dolls and pressed its
stomach.
“I love you~ I love you~” It can’t be! I pressed all the
dolls’ stomach as it piled on the side.
“I love you~”
“I love you~”
“I love you~”
Those words came out non-stop. I…love you… Why didn’t I
realize that….That his heart was always by my side, protecting me. Why didn’t I
realize that he love me this much… I took out the doll under the bed and
pressed it’s stomach, that was the last doll, the one that fell on the road. It
had his blood stain on it. The voice came out, the on that I was missing so
much.
“Jo…Do you know what today is? We’ve been loving each other
for 486 days. Do you know what 486 is? I couldn’t say I love you…. Um… since I
was too shy… If you forgive me and take this doll, I will say that I love you…
everyday… till I die… Jo… I love you…”
The tears came flowing out of me. Why? Why? I asked god, why
do I only know about all this now? He can’t be by my side, but he loved me until
his last minute…
For that… and for that reason… to me… it became courage… to
live a beautiful life ..
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| i love you |
credit to : http://bestrealstories.blogspot.com
maafkan aku, kawan
